Wasted Daily News

CAIRO – A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday. After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, said a police official. Read the rest of this entry →

Oh My God! There’s salami in my brain!

The moon was full, as full as her eyes, as well as her other quite voluptuous features. He knew he would have her, all of her, leaving not a stone unturned. The deed was done when they became one.

2. Five days had passed, and his tree-like tree lips were itching. Even with fervent effort, he could not abate the sensation. He groaned for his sappy salve-spigot that he could not reach. As the last of the tree-vampires (trampires), he was condemned to spend a static, immobile tree-life struggling with the curse of type-A vaginal mouth herpes. “Noooooo!” he moaned in his deep, earthy baritone tree-voice; realizing the cruel irony of his tree-fate. “God-damn the fleshy succubus, tempting me with the taste of her mortal pleasures.” “No means NO among our kind!”

Chapter 3. She felt longer by the day. Unable to dispel the lingering taste of pine needles, she wondered how long the abomination would fester inside her womb…………

THIS GAMES GONNA BE HOT!!!

Join Jory Jobless in the ultimate battle for money, stature, and success, as he takes on the world trying to find high-paying work! The future looked bleak for this fresh piece of graduated meat, but he wasn’t going to take it lying down. Oh no, he was going to do something about it. And now Jory’s battle robe contains an arsenal of over 20 weapons! (including ball-busters like Music Theory, Logic, Western European Civilization, and the Classic Knife)! Choose wisely and unleash hell upon the competition. Use the all new interactive manipulation contol to create feux-alliances of destruction!Collect charm manna points to summon professors toward your cause before your enemies do! Gain influence among the elite! The more applications and resumes you distribute, the higher your experience points will go! Sleep with your buddy’s girlfriend to depress him, stifle his motivation, and eliminate him from consideration! Careful though! Bang too many GF’s and unruly mobs of angry boyfriends can form quickly! Take potential employers out for drinks, but careful! Drink too much and they might not want to hire you. But get them drunk and watch your success reach sky high!

In came the Stranger. He looked more disheveled. His face looked like he’d seen a thousand lifetimes. And then he spoke the words: “I am child’s daddy.” Dallas could only look the other way, smelling of his gin-soaked alcoholic’s perfume. Something started to stir…in his cup. It was him, he was stirring it.

Chapter Two: Daynights and Nightmoons

Finding yourself is never easy. Especially for Dallas Panhands, born in Reno, he had a habit of hating himself, sometimes physically. Other times, hypothetically. Then came one of the visions. It hit with the hot heat of a thousand summers, squared. His brain hurt, but no more than usual. Like a wrinkle in time, he found himself wanting to disappear. ‘Kill me,’ he said to no one in particular. As always, the absence of God’s cruel hand left him alive, yet empty. ‘Just one more day,’ he thought to himself, ‘and I’ll do it. God give me strength!’ Dallas kissed his wife good morning. His hand groped, grovelled at her chest. The once firm bosom of yesteryear had gone soft, limp, like putty. Deep in her eyes, she thought he knew, he needed the affair.

Chapter 3: The Affair….

The room was dark, and dank, but the mood was alive; tense. INtense. Hot. She was twenty years his elder. What she lacked in youth, she made up for in age. ‘Fondle me with your manhood, Panhands,’ she panted, ‘Slap these old bones! Make me feel young again!” Within your womb I plant this seed. Then I will be done with you. Do not contact me.

The nuclear sun spelled a foreboding omen to the people of Thermodea. Change was abound, singing the air with the nervous energy of bloodfire…in the sky. Chet Irving Feltwell did not feel good at all. Captain of the Decepticon 3rd Brigade, it was his responsibility to lead this randy crew of battle-hardened robots and amateur farmhands. As per custom before every battle, the captain popped so many downers he could hardly see straight. But Cpl. Sadwack didn’t choose him for his life-threatening addictions. He chose him for his instinct, his surefire fortitude, and his complete lack of human emotion. But then something extraordinary happened. Echoing in his ears like a night-whisper, a single word spelled prophecy: Kill. But it was more than that; a deeper kind of kill. Feltwell ignored the voice and grabbed more downers.”Down the throat-hole!” At least it was easier to swallow these days, especially after last night. The veiny skin of his throat masked the mangled ruin of his esophagus. Straddling the picket-fence of overdose, he wavered in and out of consciousness. “Captain,” said Omnibot 1AD Codename: FoxHawk.” Just fine,” responded Chet, “Never been better, Omnibot 1AD Codename: FoxHawk.” Although seeing through a washy haze, he knew the perfect time to strike. He always knew. That’s why he was the best. In a blink his men were off. “Fast bastards,” he thought, as they had already disappeared over the horizon. “Mount!” he cried as Omnibot 1AD Codename: FoxHawk transformed into his default form, a pegasus. Flying at the speed of the gods, he felt the swift winds around him, repeating the ominious whisper: Kill. He recognized the voice. It was…the same voice he had heard a minute ago, also whispering “Kill.” “Damn ear-rot,” he grumbled. “Incoming transmission!” Pegasus 1AD Codename: FoxHawk squawked. “We have been defeated. Fuck. End transmission, sir.” “Damn…missed another one,” he thought. “Come on, old boy, not this time.” he growled to Pegasus 1AD Codename: FoxHawk, “I bet you’re hungry, anyway.” A few more downers and a weeks sleep never felt so good.