Wasted Daily News

I knew going into this profession that it was never going to be easy. Sure, the early days on the job I would don my mask, run into a bank waving around an experimental plasma ray gun, and then promptly get tackled by bank security. Other days I’d just be walking back from the market, only to have the snot beaten out of my by a meddling do-gooder. I would come home with broken bones, bruised ribs, black eyes, but no matter what happened to me, no matter how much life got me down, no matter how bleak things got, I knew that I would preserver. With hard work, grit and more determination than I knew I had, I worked my way up from obscurity and became the villain I am today, well respected amongst my minions and relatively feared.

Then things started getting hard. The economy was to blame, partially, but that wasn’t the only problem. Suddenly CNN wasn’t reporting about my misdeeds, you couldn’t find Arianna Huffington writing scathing articles about the exploits of the Crimson Nematode. Do you think you could find my threats to destroy the moon on Reddit? Not a chance. Suddenly I was living in the shadow of a greater evil, one that had previously been in power of the more powerful country on the planet, in control of nuclear weapons and an army large enough to topple sovereign nations. Now that they are out of power they have become bitter, enraged, and in some cases, straight out nutty.

I’m looking at you GOP, I’m looking at all of you republicans that are making it harder for a super villain to get work because you’re putting a corner stone on all the evil, what with your hatred of Health care, hatred of gays and just your general hatred.

I’m not even sure when it started, maybe it was all the desperate attempts at subverting the public’s trust in Barack Obama during the election. Instead of actually focusing on strengthening their own platform and policies, they decided to seed doubt, distrust and fear into the American public. Who really cared what John McCain’s policies in regards to the struggling economy were when the voters were really concerned as to whether or not Obama was a secret, Israel hating, commie-Nazi from Kenya? And even though they didn’t win the election, their conspiracy theories did struck a note with the already paranoid and xenophobic Right, and within no time the Good Old Party had managed to amass itself a sizeable cult following.

And now they’re not even trying to be subtle with their villainy. 30 Republican senators voted against an amendment that would punish military contractors that restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court. I’m bad, but seriously, you’re going to vote against an anti-rape bill? That’s pretty evil, even by my standards. Even worse, the republicans are getting upset because the president won a peace prize? I don’t know if they’re upset because they think he’s done nothing to earn the award, they’re just being needlessly partisan, or if they secretly just hate peace. There have even been conferences and mumbled sabre rattlings in regard to instigating a military coup – they want to overthrow the world’s most powerful nation: That’s villainous ambition that us little guys just cant compete with!

It’s not easy being a super villain. We’re hated by our enemies, hated even more by our peers, and it’s almost impossible to walk down the street without getting accosted by an up and coming super-hero who wants to prove himself. The hours suck and we don’t get any kind of government assistance. Forget about ever getting a steady side job or a girlfriend. Now we have to deal with the Republican party strong arming us out of work.

I have to concede though, their plan to poison the country’s water supply with copious amounts of tea is a stroke of genius, what will they think of next?

-The Crimson Nematode

Struggling Super Villain.